I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
