Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
