I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
