if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I deserve this hangover.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
