just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
