wrigley field is MILF paradise
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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