You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
