I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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