T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
