Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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