Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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