The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
