I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
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This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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