my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
