I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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