also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
