3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
