For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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