We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
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I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
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Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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