As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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