I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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