no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
