If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
