When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
