Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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