in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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