He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have so many feelings about this burrito
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
