I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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