i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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