God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Randomize
