I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When are your genitals available?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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