Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
