i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
