id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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