ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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