Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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