he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
