I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize