she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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