At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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