My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
