the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
