Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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