nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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