The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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