sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
