how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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