Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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