i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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