I look better un-naked...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
