i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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