Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
