I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
And then he peed in my hair
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
