Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is