Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.