I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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