we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
