I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
